Latest Entry in Jeremy's lablog:
I have delved deep into the mindset I proposed to be the "Gangrel State"... and nearly lost myself there.
To recount: I have changed my feeding habits to enjoy the "Thrill of the Hunt". I actually did. It was a sublime experience, encouraging me to come to terms with the fact that I am a Savage. I came to the conclusion that it might actually have been my own misconceptions and stubborness that disallowed me to see the benefits of my associations, and instead focus on the numbing or even loss of my higher thinking faculties and logical prowess. Thus, I made out a number of qualities connected with the Gangrel condition, and tried my hardest to embrace them.
I am Gangrel. Gangrel excel at physical combat. Thus, it has always been expected of me to be a fighter, to a degree. A apparently logical conclusion, at the very least a corrolation, for sure. And to my surprise, physical conflict does not cause me much distress; indeed, I actually enjoy it to a certain extent, and my quick adaptation to Boxing movements and progression within the sport indeed point towards this conclusion being correct. After having tried my skills against Mortals, in me grew a desire to try myself against a fellow Dragon. Unsurprisingly, I lost, as my experiences are very limited and my skills not nearly as developed as those of Robert Carraway. I managed to take away a lot from this lesson, as intended, which considerably improved my fighting capabilites even further.
However, and this is a very big however, I had to realize that this was not "me". Gangrel might be fighters, but Jeremy Theim is a man of Science and Logic - trying to be anything else would result in lessening me. In attempting to conform to the Gangrel image, I nearly drowned out myself, and all that made up my identity, rather than to integrate choice qualities of it into my own being. I feel it important to remind myself here that this is not due to losing the bout- I went out of my way to ensure this result by picking a skilled fighter, as a wide skill gap allows for more learning chances in my experience- but because of my feelings during the bout: the thrill and excitement of experimentation is far bigger, the joy of learning and discovering far more fulfilling. If I were to try and put it into words, I would say there is Gangrel inside Jeremy Theim, but that is not his defining feature. Trying to be anything else than I am is, at least right now, a dead end.
Which is wonderful news! The elimination of a possibility is progress, after all. By understand what something is not, it is easier to figure out what itis.
And, besides, being able to fight is a useful skill to have. Especially in woefull times like these. And the experiences and impressions I gained... they alone were worth the journey! Pain in our state is a curious thing, because we should not feel any, but still do. It is distracting, and uncomfortable, and limiting, so we try to avoid it like normal Mortals, and might even fear it - which brings certain other limitations of our state to mind. But that is a point for another entry.
Bottom line: I might still be at odds with my Membership of Clan Gangrel, and it would have been wonderful to achieve closure in that regard... but the journey is not over, after all.
Now, in regards to the Blood Crystallisation, I have run into some trouble with the distillation method, and so far, the unreliable "wait and let it dry" approach delivered the best results, which of course won't do, so I will need to make out and subsequently control the parameters responsible. To do so, I have decided to ......